Due to misdiagnosis and being improperly medicated, I was suicidal for the better part of 20 years. I can tell you what I thought during those suicidal attempts but I wouldn’t dare to say they are the same as others. Each time, I yearned for peace. I just wanted the madness in my head to be silenced. I remember thinking how much it would destroy my kids, yet, at that time, my need for peace overruled their importance at that moment. On each occasion, alcohol played a crucial role. It fueled my intentions; it spoke to me. It taunted the voices in my head.
My last attempt came on April 17, 2019, the thirteenth anniversary of mom’s suicide. I had been extremely depressed for the past few weeks. On that night, I was very anxious for reasons I couldn’t fathom. By the end of my shift, I was spiraling. Upon leaving work I stopped by the beer store to pick up a twelve pack, something I had not done in over a year. Once I got back to my loft, I began to ferociously consume the beers, killing eleven in less than two hours. With no food on my stomach and a ton of bipolar meds in my systems, I slowly felt the alcohol take effect. The lower my inhibitions plummeted the more I started thinking about mom and the way we lost her and then I thought that maybe I was supposed to follow her lead. Therefore, with no gun in sight I rigged a rope and extension cord to create a makeshift noose and strung it in between the rafters of my loft. I got it set, tested the load then finished off my last beer. As soon as the last drop emptied onto my lips, I began positioning to hang myself. But just as I grabbed the contraption my phone rang. What? It’s two o’clock in the morning. Who in the world is calling me at this hour? I rushed to the phone and saw “Nancy – CR.” CR, which stands for Celebrate Recovery, is an organization that is much like AA only with a Christian twist. I had been attending occasionally for the past year but I hadn’t gotten much out of it; until now. Nancy was a member who had been there for me through several trials. But why is she calling me now? I answered the phone and Nancy quickly told me how she was worried about some of my recent posts on Face Book. Honestly, I saw where she was coming from. My posts had grown dark and dreadful with little inspiration or hope. Nancy asked me how I was and I told her what I was currently doing. She urged me to leave the loft, go for a walk and clear my head. She stayed on the phone with me for two hours, talking me through it until she knew that I was safe. Nancy saved my life.
Upon entry back into the loft, I looked at the noose, pushed it out of the way, and crashed into my bed. I didn’t wake up for eighteen hours. (And that was the last night I drank).
The next several weeks came and went in a blur. I honestly questioned God as to why I was still on this planet. I just didn’t see a purpose for me. But on May 9th, 2019, my world changed entirely for the better. On that day, I decided to open my computer and scroll FB to see what might be entertaining. It was then that I remembered that I had created an account on Match.com over six months prior. I hadn’t been on it in months as I failed to find any true connections. However, being bored out of my mind, I decided to give it a gander. As soon as I opened my account, I saw that I had several likes. And the first one I opened was to the face of an angel. She was gorgeous and her bio was even more impressive. I learned that she had been a missionary in Haiti, she was a lifelong member of the same denomination of church I had attended when I was a kid and she was, at that time, a specialist for alzheimer’s and dementia patients. I was awestruck. But at the same time, I was extremely skeptical. I remembered how my marriage failed and the way I had been left. I was afraid of being hurt again; therefore, I stepped away from the computer and went back to bed. Hours later I woke up with a desire to know more about her. So, I stepped off the ledge and sent a reply message. It was only a matter of minutes before we were deep in conversation. And I laid it on thick just to see if she would run. I told her about mom’s suicide, my attempts. I told her about the bipolar diagnosis, the alcoholism and the way my marriage collapsed. I laid it all on the table to scare her off but she didn’t flinch. She empathized with me and told me her story that was just as tragic as mine had been. We talked for four hours that night. And five years later we are still going strong.
Within those five years, life has come around full circle. I am completely drug and alcohol free. We’ve formed this nonprofit specializing in assisting those left behind after such tragedies. We aid them in rebuilding their lives in order to move forward and thrive. Natalie and I attend church regularly. I went back to school after twenty years to obtain my bachelor’s degree and am now advancing in my educational career to become an LPC; a dream I’ve had since my 20’s. My ultimate goal is to one day be a chemical dependency counselor.
God has a plan we just have to wait and have faith. Don’t give in to the voices. You can win this battle; let’s do it together.
SAS 